I Am More Than You See Me..

Before I got sober, I was a pretty negative person. In my world, the glass wasn’t half-empty, it was all the way empty. Finally, a series of events happened that led me to my drinking bottom, and I accepted positivism in my life.

When I had a nervous breakdown, I was trying to run away from all things, I wanted to leave the city, country, sometimes the world too. The out of sheer coincidence I met a person who told me: “Who are you trying to run away from? Do you think you can abandon your problems? No. You’ll carry them wherever you go. When you’re trying to run away without resolving the conflict, you’re running away from yourself. The only right way to run is towards yourself.”

Whenever I was alone in the evenings I would start thinking about this conversation. Then, I got the job and I was aiming for the life I wanted. Here everyone was a stranger and nobody was judging me based on my past. This new opportunity gave me the courage to face my challenges with added zeal… We all shared the same fear of being alone, but we didn’t want to make deep bonds at the same time.

I had everything I wanted, but I wasn’t happy. The job demanded huge responsibility. The office culture was based on how are you today? and could you please do this for me? There was not much socializing. You have tasks and you need to complete them.

I used to have those moments when you’re sitting alone, you’re tired of everything and you don’t know how you’ll wake up the following day?

“Without giving up hope—that there’s somewhere better to be, that there’s someone better to be—we will never relax with where we are or who we are.”

I tried everything. I read books about confidence and listened to podcasts and tried affirmations. I took small steps to reach my goals of happiness. I learned about resistance and how it could be overcome and I applied these learning to my life.

Little did I realize at the time that the problem was me. A few years back, I realized this and took the decision of doing whatever I feel like doing and try out as many different things that might enable me to live the life I truly want to live.

Every right decision I have ever made has come from my gut. Every wrong decision I’ve made was the result of me not listening to my inner voice.The moment I start thinking, I am already lost. Thinking swiftly pulls me out of the zone. I started to find joy in little things and well actually I got it when enjoyed each little things. And Now I am hopeful for the future.

Having nice things is, well, nice. But for me, it’s never been about the money, prestige or anything materialistic. Give these things to me and they won’t destroy me like they do to most people. Even after I achieve something, I’m not content. For me, it’s not even about the goal. It’s to know that how far I can push myself.

Does this make me ungrateful? Absolutely not. I’m entirely humbled and grateful for everything in my life. But I am not complacent. I believe in having the self-respect and confidence to live life on your terms.  When I mess up, I own it. I’m mostly just myself.

You can’t control or predict things. The only thing you can control or predict is the person you see every single morning in the mirror. That’s the only person or thing you can control or predict. Heck, sometimes you don’t even have control over yourself. But that’s OK. As long as you’re trying to improve every single day. I say “try” because most of the time it just doesn’t work out. And that’s fine, too.

Sometimes I think and that’s what I wanted to ask my readers that – do you think today’s women are like really empowered– more than they ever were? Am I ‘an empowered working woman’? Does being financially independent mean that women are more empowered now?

As we recently celebrated 70 years of independence, the question we all have to ask ourselves is, ‘Are Indian women really independent?’ India is considered as one of the emerging superpowers of the world. Men and women are afraid of different things from the opposite gender. Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will harm them. How cowardly are we that we target the opposite sex to feel powerful? How foolish are we to think that we have the right to do this? I have seen that – Men who refused to catcall and objectify women, are called unmanly.

What is manliness? Is it the fear women have of men? Or is it the fact that you sport a beard and huge biceps that makes you manly? Or is it the authority you think you have over other human life?

To me, a man is one who respects women. Women have a target on their back the moment they are born. I sometimes think that can’t society, stop seeing people as men and women and see them as human first. Understand that we have the same right to emotions, opinions, and feelings as you do. When you realize that each person is just as yourself and how much we have in common, inequality will stop making sense and “Gender Equality” will get its place automatically.

I am not against society, only thing I want that society should treat me (not only me, all females) as a human first rather than treating as a female which binds with all so-called norms or constraints.

So here the words come in poetic form –

I want to know what you see
when you look at me.

Is it a pretty face looking at you or

Do you see callouses from work?

Do you feel threatened
by the way, I walk
with my head straight, gazed fixed
and unwavering?

Because when you look at me,
I want you to see fierceness and grace.
I want you to see hands, worn
from both labor and love.
I want you to see legs, strong
from the paths I’ve walked
and the burdens I’ve carried.
I want you to see a heart
big and beating
and shining boldly through my smile.

When you look at me,
I don’t want you to just see
girl, woman, female, pretty.

I want you to see where I’ve come from
and who I’ve become,
the laughter from my lips
and the faraway look in my eyes
when I start to remember what I’ve lost.

I want you to know I’m not just a woman,
a human, a body. But a force,
an energy, a soul.
I want you to know
we are so different,
so complex,
so disconnected.

But I want you to look at me
and see we are the same.

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